by - February 25, 2018

So basically, sorry if I seem like I'm rushing through all of this, but between January and December 2017, because I was so terrified of blood tests, there was little that could be done as certain medications require a blood test before starting.

In July, however, my lovely GP said that he would prescribe me some diazepam if I would try and have a blood test. I really was not sure, but had to at least try.

At this point, I could barely move I was in such pain that I'd already been prescribed liquid morphine and due to the abscess in my butt check I couldn't sit, stand or lay in any position except on my right hand side. This meant I couldn't work - which made my depression and anxiety worse. I also couldn't get into my bed as it's a bit high so ended up having to sleep on the sofa for a couple of months because I could kind of roll on and off. This messed even more with my insomnia and depression.

So yeah, I take 10mg diazepam an hour before I was due my blood test, I decided I should take the other 10mg just in case... well... diazepam is wonderful haha. My sister comes with me, I put my headphones in and listen to At The Bottom of Everything by Bright Eyes, squeezing my sister's hand - it was done, I didn't feel a thing pretty much. I was crying though, and the nurse gave me a massive hug.

My results come back that I'm iron deficient (surprise) and have high levels of inflammation (surprise). I'm told to take Spatone liquid iron - it's easier on the digestive system than tablets. It's not cheap but it's usually 3 for 2 in Boots and I can kind of afford it. I have to take two sachets a day but I usually forget... I kind of get told off for this a few months later, and I do remember it every day now!

I'm honestly not too sure what happens between July and October, it's all a bit of a blur mostly due to my depression and anxiety, because I went zero hours and wasn't really working, I was just doped up on morphine and co-dydramol I really couldn't tell you what I did for a few months except work occasionally, watch daytime TV with my grandparents and nap a lot. I know I had the A&E trip due to the pentasa affecting me badly around August time, and I had another blood test!

It got to a point that I didn't want to be alive anymore - I wasn't going to harm myself, but what was the point in just existing?

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